Do Not Lose Yourself
I have found myself many times caught between my then and now. I have often wondered if it is a matter of choosing or waiting. What do you do when you’re in love with idea of love but that kind of love won’t love you back? But wait…why would you seek it? That which is sought is existent but not possessed. That meant I was looking for something that I knew existed but did not have. I have often rebuked myself at being a softy when it came to love. I’m one of those people who love easily and won’t be scared to hide it – a strength that I realised to be a weakness because it led be to loss at all times. I love hard because it was easier to love another than to love my ratchet and broken self and the truth is that it is easier to be loving, kind and patient with someone else than yourself.
A courtroom setting is always at play and I am forever the judge. I have judged myself for mistakes that were my path to wisdom, I have judged myself for sheets I have rolled in, times I have spread my legs and to how many. I had debated and concluded that I deserve everything less so I never even bothered to set a standard because the lowest would be my choice. My mind had to go through a complete transformation that led me to the point of realising that my first point of reference was external. It was better to play love with another than to love me because I was never worth anyone’s love, not mine even. How do you restore a child tempered with, grown to be a woman lacking? Unfortunately society has set the standard of sex as a measurement of love and this has damaged many souls because you give the last to someone hoping he or she would love you enough to cover your lacks. This is where I went wrong. I have now learnt that love is doing word but you can never do love to someone without doing to you because you set the standard of how you want to be loved. To you dear sister, may you know from today that loving you is to live life to the fullest.
I hope that you know that you’re beautiful and are enough. I hope you realise that the scars of your childhood, those of broken relationships are evidence of your victory and not failure. I hope that you aren’t so bitter that you let an opportunity to love another and be loved because you holding on to those that have walked out. I hope you will acknowledge your wrongs and contribution to the path that led to some of your pain. I beg you to smile even when life makes no sense, may you cry enough to wash the pain, fear and negativity so that a new day dawns. I hope you will love without apology and not condition yourself but allow grace to define you. I hope you will walk in integrity knowing that your past is gone and life can be rewritten. Please own your territory, own your throne, own your gift and purpose so that your destiny can be fulfilled. I hope your body will remain the temple of treasure that God has entrusted you with and you will not allow any person to steal what God values and please do not be a thief to his seed (it is meant to be life – so your womb should not be storage if he is not yours). Lastly, I hope you will laugh every time they remind you of your flaws and past because your life is truth to mercy restoring all that is broken and lost. In all you do, please do not lose yourself.